Melville House Books

Clarence Thomas and Virginia Thomas

In a column for TruthDig, Andy Borowitz, author of The Republican Playbook, tells what to do if Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, calls you at home:

1. Start apologizing the moment you hear her voice. Remember, like a bear at a campsite, Virginia Thomas does not want to eat you. She’s after only your food, and in this case, your apology is the only thing protecting you from Mrs. Thomas mauling you to death. If apologizing does not work, clap your hands loudly into the receiver in the hopes of scaring her away.

2. When she says, “This is Virginia Thomas,” reply, “No, this is Virginia Thomas. Who’s calling? Wait a minute — is that you, Anita Hill?” When she denies being Anita Hill (and she will), say, “There you go again, with your infernal lies. This is like Clarence’s confirmation hearings all over again. You disgust me, Anita Hill.” With any luck, accusing her of being Anita Hill will disorient her long enough for you to summon help.

3. Get in the habit of answering your phone, “Long Dong Silver residence.”

Borowitz also adds an important note: “If you get a call in the middle of the night and there is silence on the other end, that is not Virginia Thomas. That is Clarence Thomas.”

Dennis Johnson is the founder of MobyLives, and the co-founder and co-publisher of Melville House.